Life for now...

Life is kind of in the gutter, but I am optimistic about the future...I mean, at least I have a husband who acts like this. It is distracting, which has proven to be quite helpful as of lately. My Grandma Shill had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago and is now under the care of Hospice at one of their facilities. This has been a very trying time for my family because we love her very much and want to keep her around:) Even though we have her with us for now, I can't help but think of the things I will miss about Grandma. I am going to miss her "Death Grip," she had a difficult time letting go of us kids when we went to hug her. I am going to miss walking into her room to say a quick "hello" and finding her sitting in her chair, reading, and watching the birds out of her window. I'm going to miss being able to ask her about flowers, any flower, and having her know everything and anything about it. I'm going to miss her nonjudgmental way and goodness. I have always been one to hold a grudge, not proud of it... I blame my mom. I inherited that trait from her. Anywho, my Grandma Shill is so forgiving of others and NEVER holds a grudge. I'm glad that I have had the opportunity to learn from someone like her and I still hope that she will get to come home soon...

*INTERMISSION*

Before Grandma began to be cared for by Hospice, she was in the ICU for over a week. I went to visit her along with the rest of my family/extended family regularly. While I was there, I was reminded why I wanted to be a nurse in the first place. Although I was sad to be there under those circumstances, I realized that my current job was not right for me. Needless to say, I felt that I needed to quit. So I did... I am unemployed....there I said it. UNEMPLOYED! Am I crazy? Maybe, because jobs are hard to come by, especially for a new grad like myself. However, I went with my gut on this one. Sometimes you just know when something is wrong for you and life has a weird way of letting you know. I hope that I will be able to find a supportive environment to work in that is also a good fit for me. I love nursing and want to be working so badly. This was not part of my plan, I wanted to stay at my first nursing job for several years and I am very disappointed with how it turned out. However, you can choose to sulk, or you can choose to learn from the past. I am learning from the past, taking all that I have gained from this experience, and moving forward. Anybody work on a floor where they would be interested in hiring a relatively new graduate? Please let me know. So, back to the job search, I hope that I will find something that will add happiness to my life.

Blessed+Stressed= DISCLAIMER: LONG POST

Let me begin by saying that I realize how blessed I am. I am grateful for all that I have, however, I am a complainer. Always have been, always will be. I am also a worrier; constantly preparing myself for the worst. This causes me a heap of unnecessary stress in my life. So, after nursing school was over, I thought to myself... "Finally, I am done and I can get paid for all of the work I have been doing! Woohoo." Hmmm, yeah, woohoo.... NURSING IS SO FREAKIN HARD!

Allow me to begin where I left off. I graduated from nursing school, began my training at St. Joe's and registered for my NCLEX. The NCLEX aka state boards is the test that must be passed in order to obtain a license. So, before taking this exam, you have your degree in nursing. After you take this exam, you have your degree in nursing and you are also a Registered Nurse, commonly known as a RN. This exam is the scariest most freaky thing ever and I think it almost gave me a heart attack...literally. Every nurse has their story... this is my NCLEX story:

It all started with my support system...JASON. Poor, poor Jason did not know that when he asked me to marry him, he was in deed asking for sleepless nights of a crazy basket-case wife pouring her stressed out soul to him time and time again. He is such a good sport. He kept telling me, "Jeannie, I know you are going to pass, I don't have a doubt in my mind, I know you."
I seriously have issues, because I had the nerve to reply with, "Oh my gosh Jason, I don't need the added pressure, Ugh!" He was doomed no matter what he said to me. Poor unfortunate soul. I love this guy, and I am so grateful for the relationship we have.
Test time: February 12, 2009 2:00 p.m.

I knew this test time for about a month prior to taking it. I was stressed about it every single second of every day. After all, if I didn't pass it, I was not going to be a Registered Nurse, and basically all of that hard work in school was for nothing....no big deal right? When I woke up the morning of T-Day I felt like I was going to heave. I felt so sick to my stomach from all of the nerves. Everyone told me, "don't study the day of the test, just allow yourself to relax and absorb all that you have learned." Pffff. Yeah right, I had to channel the sick-stress somewhere. So from 4 a.m. to about 1 p.m. I was hitting the books. When I showed up to the testing center, they couldn't have freaked me out more.

Front Desk Lady: "SIGN IN AND PUT ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS IN THE LOCKER, SPIT OUT YOUR GUM AND SIT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.....SMILE.... OKAY YOU CAN SMILE NOW"

Me: "I am smiling."

Okay, 1 point front desk lady, 0 points Jeannie. I got the picture above in the mail a few days later...

They offered me ear plugs before taking the exam, and I totally took them up on that offer. However, when I put the plugs in, I could hear my heart pounding, so I had to remove them... it was distracting. FYI The NCLEX is a computer adaptive test. What this means is that you can get asked 75-265 questions; once the computer has figured out the level of difficulty that you can operate, it shuts off. This means, you have no clue how you did. Mine luckily shut off at 75 questions. Pass or Fail, at least it was over.

The next day, I checked online....I PASSED! YES! I even have this cool red name tag to prove it!

Getting ready for my first day after becoming Jeannie Blake, RN. Okay, so I am a little OCD... big deal. Jason found me like this, I don't like wrinkles on my scrubs! Being a RN is very challenging, I feel so inadequate most of the time. To be honest, I'm so scared of this job, but I just try to move forward and carry on the best that I can.

And finally... I was watching "The View" today and Dr. Phil was a guest. I don't really like this Phil character, but apparently I am taking his advice now. He said, you shouldn't bring kids into the world with a job to do. So, like, um, if you are trying to fill some sort of void in your life by having a child, it really isn't the right reason to be having one. I started to feel guilty because Boris, my doggie, takes on a lot of stress from me. I am always sitting by him on the couch and talking to him. I mean, he's a dog, he should be doing dog things. He has gotten me through some tough times. Throughout all of my studying, tests, stress and challenges, this little guy has been by my side absorbing it all. Shout out to dogs everywhere! Okay, so maybe I missed Phil's point...? Whatever, it was the only way I could relate.